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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Dinged

Okay, I’m going to edit this, now that another day has passed and I’ve gotten over my old grouchy self. It was just an epic bad day at a poorly managed corporate dining spot in a chain hotel. I wish I could be funny about it. Maybe another time or another SNAFU. What follows has been edited from the original rant.

It’s just as well I wasn’t very hungry Thursday at lunchtime. My lunchtime companions were fun, and I’m glad I joined them to honor Pete on his upcoming retirement.

petelunchbunch1But the restaurant?  Epic FAIL.

Eight of us originally ordered, and two showed up a little later. Orders were right off the menu, nothing persnickety requested. The orders were delivered not all at once but in a definite straggle, and one of us who was sitting with a view of the kitchen saw his plate sitting under the hot lights for awhile before finally being brought to him. Eventually everyone had plates in front of them.

Except me. Our waiter approached me and said, she was so sorry but she hadn’t “entered” my order (the Embassy Suites is of course all computerized) and she needed to know what it was.  A couple of minutes later she was back at my shoulder to say they were preparing my order now, and when I asked how long, she said “three minutes.” My friends offered to share their food with me, but I declined. After all, mine was due in three minutes, right? I got involved in the conversations, then finally looked at my watch again. Nearly 15 minutes had passed since the “three minutes” statement. No food. No wait person.

I looked over at the kitchen and saw, sitting under the hot lights on the pickup counter for completed orders, a burger plate. Our wait person was engrossed in some business at another table. Another restaurant employee who’d helped serve us walked back and forth in front of that burger plate as I watched. But didn’t touch it.

So, dear reader, I got up, walked over to the kitchen, picked up the burger plate and brought it back to the table myself.

It had sat on that counter under the warming lights so long that the slice of cheese on one side of the open faced burger? Was drying out at the edges.

I wish this was the end of the saga. You should be so lucky. Hell, we all should have been so lucky. There was another saga of confusion and delay about giving us our checks. Separate checks, which our server had offered us. It took maybe 20 minutes and as with the food there was an erratic distribution of checks to some of us, then a long wait for the rest.

During the check situation I told a manager who was working the computer with our server (ours wasn’t the only table with a check issue), about all the problems with my order. All he said was sorry, not even pausing in his work on the computer.

Yes: I was eventually handed a bill, in full, of $15.47 for my burger and iced tea. No comps, no discounts, just the damned bill.

Which I stood in another line to pay up at the register. I handed our waiter my bill and a twenty. She gave me back four ones.

Yes, dear reader, I even got shorted on the change. But by then I was so late getting out of there to get back downtown for meetings, I said not a word and just left.

I’m so glad I got to get together with that group – even if most of them were camera-shy – that in another day or two I will be laughing at the debacle that was my actual lunch.

It probably was the universe’s way of telling me I should have ordered a chicken caesar salad instead of a burger.

But if you’re ever in Denver? Remember that name. Diazza.

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It’s official.

I’ve lost my mind. Next Saturday I am going to embark on an impractical, time-consuming and totally unnecessary project that will last for exactly one month. I am going to write a novel. OK, the first draft of a novel. 

And the really scary thing?

I’m not in this alone. It’s been done by thousands of people, 9 times before this. This is the tenth time.

Seriously, run don’t walk to your bookstore or library and get hold of No Plot, No Problem. Which is fun and joyous and very well-written. Well, I’m sure the first half of it is anyway, because I’ve read it at least twice. The second half is to be read in installments corresponding to the weeks of November, and for once I’m not reading ahead in a book. Instead I’m making all kinds of notes in my little notebook, in anticipation of November 1.

Until November 30, my middle name is Exuberant Imperfection.

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Man, am I ever sick of those political commercials on TV. And we’re not nearly done yet. For a nice change:

cat
more cat pictures

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Oh, how refreshing.  Spring has finally come to Denver, flowers are daring to bloom and trees to leaf out.  And the looney tunes are coming outdoors, pale and shriveled from hunkering in their basements all winter, and squinting in the sunshine.

Exhibit A:  the guy who says he *seriously* wants the Denver City Council to create – and I have to give this title the placement it deserves: 

The Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission

Yep.  ET, phone City Hall.   The commission would be tasked with ”dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth.”  Like, maybe, dating.

As required by law when the fine citizens of the City & County of Denver are proposing initiatives, City staffers held a public meeting with this visionary activist yesterday.  Some interested folks turned up, including a few young folks wearing tinfoil hats.  Bless their hearts.

If City Council doesn’t enact this initiative into law, and its sponsor gets enough signatures on petitions for it, it will go onto the ballot at the next election.

Think about it:  if it passes, and the commission is created, the commission will need at least one staffer.  What a job that would be.  Although I’m not sure it would be a terrific career track for anyone.

The sponsor of this lunacy?  Is 54 years old, divorced, has no children, and lives with his parents.  As profiled in the Rocky Mountain News:

Occupation: Owns an Internet business, which is marketing a new technology that reduces stress “because it reduces the chaos of electromagnetic fields,” he said.

Education: A year at Maharishi University of Management in Iowa.

Number of times abducted: 0

Ever seen an alien? No. But “I believe they do exist,” he said. “I’ve seen very hard evidence.”

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Happily, I’m not suffering from any known dire medical conditions.  Except of course for life itself.  There’s no need to rush the decision.

This one?

Or this one?

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nedcp-puppyprogramlogo.jpgI think the US Transportation Security Administration is trying to reassure us regular peeps who fly commercial with this section of its website about its National Explosives Detection Canine Team.  And it’s interesting.

But I find something unsettling about their breeding program logo.  Unsuspecting yellow Lab being approached from behind by aggressive commercial jetliner.

Result:  airplane that can sniff its own explosives, or dog that can fly itself to work?

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My Inner Snark has been having fun with a comment recently submitted to my post “Anything but Pink.”   From someone we’ll call “Minnie.”  Which is NOT what she called herself when submitting her comment, so all you real live Minnies out there who are also starting lawsuits, this is not about you, OK?

Anyway, I’ve held the comment in the moderation queue while deciding what to do with it.

I have to snicker at the vision of someone trying to get women to volunteer as plaintiffs in a class action lawsuit against a cosmetic company - because they used the company’s cosmetics and now are wrinkled ugly crones.  Whose calls the company won’t take.

I wish I could say something nice, like I feel Minnie’s pain.  But I don’t.  I don’t even believe anything she writes.  With identifying information removed, here’s the comment:

Yes be afraid to use [name of brand] products. Are you looking to age 10yrs in 3 months time? You will age, wrinkle, and have blood vessels burst against your skin, if you use [name of brand] products. They are lying to you if they tell you it is natural and healthy for your skin, their product will do nothing but age you! BE AFRAID TO USE [name of brand] PRODCUTS! Now that I am old looking with wrinkles I did not have before using their product the corporation will not speak to me. Their customer care dept will do nothing for me. [name of brand] CORP DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR SKIN, JUST YOUR MONEY!!! Please contact me if you have had bad skin problems from using [name of brand] products. I am looking to start a class action law suit against [name of brand] for aging me and not speaking to me or trying to resolve this problem. You can contact me at ***@***.

Minnie, get your own blog if you want to drum up a lawsuit.   As you would have known if you’d read my post, I have nothing to do with any cosmetic company – except as a retail customer of a few products – and I’m keeping it that way.

Note to anyone who thinks they can ask me for Minnie’s contact info:  Nope.  I won’t give it to you.  Don’t bother me. 

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I mentioned here the other day that I’ve realized I pretty much hate almost all of my furniture.  I didn’t say so then, but the sad truth is, I’ve Allowed Things to Slide around the condo.  As Garrison Keillor explained in his recent newspaper column, they are at present working hard at cleaning over at his house because:

We are decent God-fearing people who somehow have Allowed Things To Slide and now we live among piles of books and paper, reams of driftage on the kitchen counter, boxes of mementos of a misspent life. Another month and we might go over the brink and become wild-eyed eccentrics living in rooms with narrow passages between the piles, cooking on a hotplate in the bathtub, the house reeking of cat dung.

keillor_garrison.jpgAt the Keillor house, they are having a fine time throwing out things.  At the condo, lately I’ve been having a fine time ignoring most of the mess while reading books, working on the computer to create the invoice which will get me paid for last month’s work, spending time with friends, and taking the trusty old Subaru in for its 105,000 mile mega-service.  To be fair, I’ve kept up with the laundry, and the kitchen and bathrooms are clean and presentable. 

Good old Garrison also explains I think why so many voters are excited about Senator Obama’s candidacy for the presidential nomination:

If the Democrats run on anger and the urge to pay back the God, Guns & Capital Gains Party, they’re likely to lose. Move on.  That’s my problem with Senator Clinton: If she becomes president, must we relive Renaissance Weekends and New Age narcissism, and then do we also get the return of Kenneth Starr and the Mellon man?

Heck, I’m a little excited too.  Although I sincerely believe that Senator Clinton is the better qualified candidate. 

Full column is below the fold if this link doesn’t work. (more…)

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If you shop at amazon.com you may have noticed that the friendly folks there always suggest a second product you could buy along with the item you are looking at. 

If you’re looking at a book, amazon.com will often suggest another book by the same author, or on the same subject.  If you’re browsing a software product, you may be offered a user guide for the program.  amazon-pair1.jpg

I’ve gotten so used to that “better together” thing on amazon pages that I rarely pay attention to it.  But today, I was stopped cold by the “better together” suggestion I saw when scrolling down this product page. 

Click on the image on the right here to see what I mean.

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Bored . . . tubby . . . mild

Baby Boomers On Social Security

“Born to be Wild” – in our young dreams.

Now it’s tummy tucks, knee replacements, and bypass surgery.

None of the above in my case, thank goodness, and just for the record I’m also not yet old enough to collect Social Security.

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Bruuuce.

On Saturdays here, we get Bruce Cameron’s columns in our newspaper.  This is a good thing.  Like, right now it’s 8:00 a.m. and that bright Rocky Mountain sunshine has been working its magic since sunrise, and the thermometer out there has shot all the way up to 8.  Yes, that’s eight degrees Farenheit.   It would be minus thirteen degrees if we were located in a nation that has its weather in Celsius, which sounds even colder.

I have library books out that are due today, and not renewable, and library books on hold that are ready to pick up.  The pantry and fridge are running low on the stuff I really consume, and I have some Christmas shopping to do.  I hate really cold weather.  This is not looking like a fun Saturday.

It is, as I was saying, a good thing on a cold Saturday morning, to have hot coffee and funny stuff to read – indoors.  Bruce’s column today is about the zero-common-sense-tolerance policies in some of our public and private institutions.   It’s below the fold if that link doesn’t work and you can’t find it on Bruce’s website.  If you go there, you must read his take on yoga.  You’re welcome.

(more…)

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Another living will

This one came in an email today.

Last night my friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,

“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch.

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Oddments

Odd thoughts, thunk while sipping that last cuppa coffee before heading out the door this morning:

  1. Why do I care that my amazon.com reviewer rank seems stuck in the 8200′s, after moving up sharply this month from around 10,000?
  2. What ideas rambling around in my subconscious have caused me to go into one of my periodic phases of reviewing all my music CDs, importing a bunch of that music to iTunes and creating a stack of CDs to take to Cheapo Discs to sell?
  3. Who invented the snooze button?
  4. I’m looking at a picture of myself taken in my senior year in high school, wondering why that girl looks like a stranger.
  5. I am so glad that I don’t have to take a doggie outdoors for relief, on this December morning with the temperature at 13°F and snow on the ground.

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When turkeys flew

Many thanks to Cranky Prof for posting this.  It’s so much fun that I just have to post it too.

WKRP:  admit it, you still miss it sometimes.

EDITED to add:   Take a peek at this much too cute dog waiting for turkey.

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Car parked at the courthouse

Car at courthouse

  Spotted one day last June. 

I wonder if they were there to file the divorce papers.

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lolcraig

lolsenator.jpg

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NiecyYou have to love Niecy Nash on Clean House.  Always turned out bandbox-spiffy from head to toe.  Just the right sass and attitude.  Never at a loss for a well-turned phrase.  Strict as a spinster schoolmarm with those homeowners drowning in their clutter and mess who cling to their junk – even after they’ve let a TV CREW in because they want help.

Yep.  A whole damn TV network crew.  Poking their cameras into the nasty garage and junk-littered bedrooms.  And still these people can’t part with their precious “collectible” crap.  But I digress.

Niecy gave me my favorite phrase this week:  Mayhem and foolishness.  (Used by bizzy, better than I’ve done, but still.)

So much mayhem and foolishness in the news today, I don’t know where to start.

Seriously.  I’m rethinking my longtime early morning routine - reading the daily newspaper with the TV or radio news on in the background while sipping my coffee and scarfing down breakfast.  I could get crazy if I pay too much attention.  If this trend continues, I’m going to start using words which really don’t add much to informed civil discourse on any subject.

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You’re Tulane University!

In the old days, you used to cheer for waves as they crashed
on the beach. Now, you’ve just been crushed by them. There are many regrets
that go along with this process, but now you’re hoping for many happy
returns. After all you’ve been through, it’s tough convincing people that
you’re safe to hang out with, but you like to remind them of your aspirations
to be a doctor. You want to save people, but first you have to save
yourself.

Take the University Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

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I really like Ed Stein’s cartoon in today’s Rocky Mountain News:

Stein-Katrina-plus2

 

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Several times in a row

I’ve just spent 12 hours on The Big Scan project (see below). I’m tired but happy. I’ve accomplished a lot today.

Just now I found this favorite Miss Peach cartoon strip, from the late 1960′s or early 1970′s.   I wonder if today’s editors would replace “dumb” with “stupid” . . .

Easy stupid

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Donut1Let’s see. You work, play, pay taxes, and manage to live past your 65th birthday. You may be no genius, but you are smart enough to come in out of the rain and choose the food you eat.

Not so fast. If you live in Putnam County, N.Y., the County fathers and mothers don’t think you can tell a strawberry sprinkle doughnut from a serving of grapes. So in order to save their senior citizens from themselves, they banned doughnuts from the menu at the county’s senior citizen centers, which serve about a thousand lunches a day.

However, the beneficiaries targets of this nanny state ban are fighting back. They got up a petition and when presented with it, the authorities changed their tune. Now they say the problem is that much of the donated goodies were well past their sell-by date – even moldy. Oh, and the people serving the food can’t figure out if it’s moldy? Donut2

The compromise is that there will be “limited amounts” of doughnuts, cakes and other such goodies provided – but (I am not making this up) they will have to be eaten “elsewhere.”

I can see it now. Sheriff deputies patrolling the lunchroom.

“Step AWAY from the chocolate glazed, ma’am.”

“You can’t eat that piece of cake in here, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside. I’ll hold it for you while you stand up and collect your walker.”

Complete story below the fold. (more…)

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Dilbert-07-19-07

My too-many decades in office work makes today’s Dilbert almost too true to be funny.

I’m out the door for another long walk now.  Finding those long-lost muscles and losing the office flab is turning out to be a longer process than I had thought fantasized it would be.

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Homeland security

I seriously considered buying this t-shirt today.

Homeland Security

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another-merc.jpgSo how often do I find a Hummer-sized behemoth stuck sloppily into a “compacts only” parking space, meaning that what’s available in the empty spot next to it, will not allow me to park my Subaru and then open the door and get out?

How many shiny Beemers do we see parked snottily – or snootily – diagonally across two spaces, presumably so the finish doesn’t get nicked by other car doors? (And do you ever wonder how often the cars parked that way get keyed by people who had to park a block away, and can’t resist the temptation as they walk by the shiny new toy?)

Now we can at least leave them a notice. Two different versions are downloadable from the site.

HT to The Daily Nooz for this one.

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As if I had nothing better to do tonight - such as pack for the week-long trip that starts tomorrow – I decided to check some of the links in my blogroll.  While I was away in May, there were some changes for:

  • Wide Lawns, Narrow Minds – where Subservient Worker is subservient no more.  Hooray!  Sadly, she’s deleted the archives, which included some of the funniest writing I’ve read.   The blog is now about her life and not the rich, clueless, obnoxious and depraved who people the gated community where she used to work.
  • The Basquette Case  – where Basquette has closed up shop and deleted all the archives.  I’ll miss it.
  • George in Denver – who is now putting much more energy into his offline creative writing and less into his blog.  I understand, but nobody can write about city infrastructure just the way George does.
  • Happyville Library – where the proprietor has pulled a Basquette, deleting all the archives and moving on.  I’ll miss this one too.

I’ve clicked on some of the other links tonight to see if any are dead yet.  So far I haven’t found any dead ones but I didn’t have time to check them all.  Maybe next week.  What I have learned tonight:

  • Over at Bizzyville, Suz (that other Suz) has gone and quit her job and is writing funnier than ever.  You go, girl!
  • The Cranky Prof who pens Cranky Epistles is pregnant and it seems that any hormonal influence on her writing is to make it even sharper – read this and be sure to read clear to the end.

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Home again

I’m home again after a 25-day vacation trip to Australia, New Zealand and Fiji. Going on this trip was the second best thing I’ve done this year, among those things appropriate for public mention. (Number one on the list, of course: retiring from that job.)

Reentry is taking longer than expected, complicated by either a bad case of seasonal allergies or the beginning of a cold. I don’t have the time right now, or the energy, to say much more here. In the meantime, you can always visit the links to the right, or The Chalkboard Manifesto:

Spontaneous

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Too true and too funny. Check it out: http://www.jibjab.com/what_we_call_the_news

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Sunday night’s fortune

My Fortune Cookie told me:
Never try to tapdance with parrots on a shrub.
Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

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Oh, I love it when Dooce posts some of the hatemail she gets. Scroll down that post to see her response to the guy who complained about how often she posts pictures of her dog. A classic.

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From the ladies room

Paper Towels too small

Visit The Chalkboard Manifesto

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