I deal with a lot of people who just don’t seem to get how the world works. These are some of the things I would like to say to them:
1. Life is not fair. Life is random, arbitrary and capricious. Just because someone else did what you did and did not get arrested is not a defense to your doing it.
2. TV does not reflect reality. I know on Law and Order a murderer got out on bail within 24 hours, and I know on the evening news you have heard about child molesters getting out on bail, and that your best friend’s step daughter’s Aunt’s husband got out on bond after only 5 hours when he beat the shit out of her- but that does not mean that your beloved family member who is on probation for stealing steaks from the supermarket and a riding lawnmower from Wal-Mart and now he was arrested trying to break into a hotel room is going to get a BOND SET BECAUSE HE WAS ON PROBATION AND WHEN I [as your lawyer] SAID IF YOU GET ARRESTED AGAIN IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SERVE THIS SUSPENDED SENTENCE THAT’S WHAT I MEANT.
3. It is not entrapment when the police see you driving and follow you and arrest you for driving while suspended for the 18th time because they know your face and that you shouldn’t be driving. That is called “good police work.” Likewise, sitting across from the liquor store and checking to see if you put the booze into the trunk instead of the seat beside you and pulling you over as you leave the parking lot is NOT entrapment.
The rest is below the fold.
4. Likewise, it does not somehow get you off if the police followed you for 5 miles because they suspected you of drunk driving and didn’t pull you over right away.. .
5. If you are sober blow in the stupid breathalizer. If one more person tells me they refused to blow in the breathalizer although they had consumed NO alcohol I am going to LAUGH IN THEIR FACE. The breathalizer is not a tool of the running dog lackeys of the white oppressive partiarchy. It is a machine. It has no political agenda. Sometimes, if you blew a .09 and they didn’t calebrate the machine, I may can possibly cast enough doubt that a jury may let you off on appeal, but the Judge is going to convict you in the first go around.
6. People judge you based on your clothes. I know you know this because you had to have the FUBU pants draped around your ankles, the Nike kicks, some roman letters tattooed on your neck, and the Gucci sunglasses. You put those clothes on to look cool. Quit complaining that you are getting no respect when you dress like a freaking thug. You are a skinny white boy from the [country]- I triple dog dare you to go to LA and walk around dressed like that. Poser. And the same goes for you chickie- if you dress like a pole dancer, we’re going to think you’re a pole dancer. I know this is “wrong” ok, but I’m not talking about right and wrong, I’m talking about reality and if you want to be a one woman force for changing people’s perceptions that people who deliberately display that much sexuality are probably whores, you’re going to have some difficulties so don’t get all snippy with me when I tell you that outfit [is] inappropriate for Court.
7. If the officer asks you if he can search your car and you say yes, then the search is legal.
8. Playground rules do not apply to real life. I am sorry s/he did that to you, but that in no way authorizes you to “get her back.”
9. This is misdemeanor Court. The chances of you having had your constitutional rights violated are one in a million. The chances of me getting evidence suppressed based on constitutional arguments are another one in a million. If you want me to make that argument, you should probably hire a Court reporter, a private attorney and a shrink because you will have to appeal to the supreme court and it will take 5 years plus to get there.
*** For other attorneys: The current Child Support laws have been in place for 15 years now. I am sorry I do not understand your legal argument as to the unconstitutionality of the establishment of paternity and child support and why this violates your client’s civil rights, but I do know this: you have to raise affirmative defenses in your answer so I can prepare to rebut them and don’t get all huffy with me when you didn’t even file an answer and as you begin to open your big mouth to show off for your client, I nip it in the bud because YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Do you really plan to appeal this all the way to the Supreme Court? Do you reaaaaaaly think you’re gonna win? That the Judge is just going to say, “Hey, lawyer, you’re right! The 10,000 paternity cases I have handled in the past 10 years are all moot because they were unconstitutional and I’ve just been waiting for someone to make this wonderful argument!”
Ok, here was his argument: 5th amendment says no taking of private property for public use without just compensation. If DHR collects child support and pays back the Aid for children paid on behalf of the State with it then they are “taking” private “property” for “public” use and not compensating the person whose money was taken. Dude, I hope you failed Con law because you understood NOTHING.
10. Not guilty by reason of insanity does not work the way it does on TV and it does not work for civil cases. “I’m not that child’s father because I was insane when he was conceived” is not a defense. “I don’t owe the money for the credit card because I was crazy when I took it out” is likewise not a defense.” AND FINALLY, MY PARTICULAR FAVORITE, “I’m not guilty of lewd behavior in a public place because I must have been crazy to have been going down on that guy in a parking lot.”